


One Day You’ll Crash and Burn

by marquisofcatsncrows



Category: Original Work
Genre: Gen, Humor, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes, Magical Realism, Screenplay/Script Format, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 03:14:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29146497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marquisofcatsncrows/pseuds/marquisofcatsncrows
Summary: A screenplay for a film about two nonbinary teenagers, Sam Nora and Goose Tyler, who, after buying a haunted cartridge which lets them print anything, decide to put a few particularly heinous billionaires (Lucas May, Ex-Dame Heloise Briar, and Richard Mortson) through a few trials to make them realize the effects their actions have on others.(note: this is only the first act, and a little bit of the second act. i never got around to finishing it. if you want to read more, please tell me!)





	One Day You’ll Crash and Burn

**Author's Note:**

> the formatting on this isn’t the most accurate. proper screenplay formatting is pretty tedious to me, and i don’t have that much writing stamina in the first place. plus, i didn’t have a reference open while i was writing it. if improper formatting bothers you a lot, feel free to, you know, not read this.

ACT 1

(After the movie studio intros show, we see nothing but a black screen and an airplane noise. This is the beginning of the song I’ve Got Some Falling To Do by Lemon Demon. The moment the instruments come in, we are greeted with the view of someone’s feet as they walk down the sidewalk. They’re wearing combat boots. As the camera rises up, we get to see more of their outfit. A colonial skirt, a long-sleeved striped shirt with an over-sized t-shirt thrown over it. When we get to their head, it’s actually a somewhat surprising sight. They have a very short pixie cut died bright orange, and they’re wearing a fedora. On top of all this, they appear to be wearing some sort of killer clown makeup.)  
(We get a shot farther away as they go down the street. They’re dancing along to the music, which is coming from their earbuds. They pass all sorts of stores and restaurants. When Neil Cicierega sings “But gravity’s calling, and I’ve got some falling to do...” they open a door to one of the shops and the music cuts out. It’s an antique shop. Also, since I don’t have any better way to tell you this, the character’s name is Goose.)

Goose: Good morning, Ms. Berkeley.  
Ms. Berkeley: Morning, sweetheart.  
(We walk around the store. It’s filled with furniture and nicknacks on every corner. It’s a very dusty and old place, incredibly welcoming. Sitting on a couch in the back is another person inspecting something. They’re shorter than Goose, with long curly hair falling over their shoulders. Their outfit is mundane on its own, just a grey sweater and black jeans, but it’s bumped down to comically average next to Goose’s. While Goose is very tall and thin, this person is very short and stocky. Their name is Sam.) 

Goose: Good morning, Sam. (They plop themself down next to them on the couch.)  
Sam: Good morning, Goose. Wreaked any havoc since I last saw you?  
Goose: Absolutely. I destroyed the entire country of Denmark. Crushed it beneath my heel. They pronounced me their benevolent dictator, and I am in the midst of burning all their holy texts.  
Sam: Wonderful. (They have a pile of trinkets beside them, and they’re cycling through each of them, checking the mechanics and seeing what they do.) Tell me, will I get to reign beside you?  
Goose: No. Can’t have anyone at an equal position to me, then you might coup me. Do you promise not to coup me?  
Sam: I can’t promise anything.  
Goose: Well, then, that’s a shame. because you’re my bestest friend and you know all my deepest darkest secrets, I will be forced to throw you into the ocean. You’re quite a liability to the empire.  
Sam: Empire? You’re going to conquer the rest of Scandinavia?  
Goose: Oh, of course. I wouldn’t want to look like a fool in front of all my cool tyrant friends. I’ll amass an army of horseback riders, then I’ll begin my conquering with the sinful nation of Sweden... (Sam hands them a game cartridge.) What’s this?  
Sam: A game cartridge.  
Goose: Doesn’t Ms. Berkeley only sell stuff from, like, the 1920’s?  
Sam: Yeah.  
(They both look at each other for a second.)  
Goose: (Yelling) Ms. Berkeley? Where’d you find this? (Waving the cartridge)  
Ms. Berkeley: (From behind the front counter) Oh! That was sold to me recently by a nice man in a bathrobe. Say’s it’s carbon-dated to 1850. That’d be funny, wouldn’t it? Anyway, I thought it might cheer you two boys up.  
Goose: You are aware this is definitely haunted, right?  
Ms. Berkeley: Aw, you make me laugh!  
(Sam and Goose walk up to the counter carrying the whole pile of trinkets.)  
Sam: We’ll take the whole stack. Thank you, Ms Berkeley.  
Ms. Berkeley: You ladies are so sweet! That’ll be $11.00.  
Goose: How’s Leroy doing?  
(In the corner, we notice a tortoise sleeping in a nice enclosure. He looks tired.)  
Ms. Berkeley: I’m afraid he’s feeling rather sick as of late. Might have something to do with those cereals you keep feeding him. Being nearly two centuries old must be tiring!  
Goose: Ooh. Sorry about the cereals. Won’t do it again.  
Ms. Berkeley: It’s alright, young man. You couldn’t have known. You girls run along now!  
(We cut to the bell ringing as they walk out the door with the nicknacks. They both look at each other.)  
Goose: Caboose?  
Sam: Caboose.

(We get an overhead shot coming in closer as the two of them climb into a lone caboose in the middle of a field. There are tracks nearby, but the caboose was clearly taken off of them. When Sam and Goose walk through the door, we see the interior has had every inch of it filled with all sorts of wonders. The walls are lined with secondhand playbills, there are stacks of used books on every surface, and you can barely walk around in it because of the piles of rocks. On one end there’s a desk where a gaming PC is set up. Sam plugs the cartridge into it.)  
(The system boots up. HELLO, the screen reads.)  
Sam: Hello.  
(TYPE ANYTHING, says the monitor. Sam types in “Good morning”.)  
(NO, it reads. ANY NOUN.)  
Goose: Well, okay.

(Sam types in “Goose”.)  
(The printer to their right starts shaking. Mist pours out of it. After a lot of shrieking and squirming, a fully formed white goose pops out of it.)  
(Sam and Goose stare at it.)  
(It honks.)  
Goose: Sam, I think we just printed a goose.  
Sam: That’s weird. The printer wasn’t even connected to the PC.  
Goose: What are we going to do with it?  
Sam: I have zero clue.  
(They stare at it for a second. It pulls some papers off their desk and starts flinging them around.)  
Sam: Hold on, let me try... (They backspace the words “Goose”. The goose disappears, one layer at a time, starting with the feathers. Goose looks amazed in a horrified sort of way. Sam just looks intrigued.)  
Goose: It appears we’ve stumbled upon a magic printer.  
Sam: Indeed. I wonder where it came from?  
Goose: What will we do with it?  
Sam: A European wizard, maybe? Those guys are always up to something.  
Goose: We could mass produce guillotines. Those would come in handy right about now.  
Sam: Goose?  
Goose: Yeah?  
Sam: Do you mind interrogating this thing?  
Goose: No problem.  
(They both turn to face the monitor. Goose clears their throat.)  
Goose: Where were you on the night of the murder?  
(Sam elbows Goose in the side.)  
Sam: Where do you come from?  
(I COME FROM THE MINDS OF MEN, it reads.)  
Sam: Where in Europe?  
(…GERMANY.)  
Goose: How old are you?  
(OLDER THAN THE SANDS OF TIME.)  
Goose: And how old are the sands of time, exactly?  
(UH, ONE-HUNDRED AND SIXTY-NINE YEARS.)  
Goose: Nice.  
Sam: So, you’re, what, one-hundred and seventy years old?  
(POTENTIALLY.)  
Sam: Do your powers come with any caveats?  
Goose: Right, like, no bringing people back from the dead or something?  
(YES. YOU MAY ONLY PRINT AS MUCH AS ONE MILLION WOODEN NICKELS.)  
Sam: Cost-wise or mass-wise?  
(MASS-WISE.)  
Sam: We’re gonna have to calculate that later. (Goose gets up and grabs a calculator.)  
Sam: But other than that, anything?  
(NO. YOU MAY DO WHATEVER YOUR HEART DESIRES.)  
Goose: Wicked.  
Sam: Anything at all? Like, let’s say we wanted to assassinate the president-  
(MAYBE DON’T DO THAT. THE GUILD WOULDN’T TAKE KINDLY TO THAT.)  
Sam: What guild?  
(The computer crashes. Sam bonks the monitor.)  
Sam: Come back. We’re not done with you. (They boot the computer up again. The program is still running, and it types a little “>:(“ face in.) You can crash my computer, right? Then that means you can interact with it in other ways. (They go to the search engine and put in “text-to-speech”.) Talk to us.  
Monitor: (Through text-to-speech) HELLO.  
(Sam waves. Then they pause.)  
Sam: Can you even see me?  
Monitor: YES.  
Goose: Would you like to come to my birthday party?  
Monitor: YES.  
Sam: What’s the guild?  
Monitor: YES.  
(Sam pouts. The monitor panics and prints a small slip of paper. Sam and Goose get up to see what it is.)  
(When they find it, it appears to be an invitation of some sort, with a wax seal and written on fine parchment paper. It reads “Dear distinguished cartridge holder, you are invited to the 170th annual meeting of the Holder’s Guild. Burn this letter with genuine fire on December the 11th at 9:00 PM, and our railway will come pick you up.)  
Goose: So, they’re like a secret society?  
Monitor: EXACTLY.  
Sam: And we’re invited to their party tomorrow night?  
Monitor: YES.  
Goose: But in the meantime, we’re allowed to do anything at all with you?  
Monitor: YES.  
Goose: Enough with the yes/no questions. Do you have a name?  
Monitor: YES. (Goose shoots the monitor a Look.) IT’S HANS.  
Goose: That’s a cool name. Where’d you get it?  
Monitor: MY MOTHER.  
Goose: Was she nice?  
Monitor: VERY.  
(In the background, Sam has been sketching something on a slip of paper. They hand it to Goose. Goose looks it over, then looks back up to the monitor.)  
Goose: Hans, could you lend us a hand?  
Monitor: IT IS MY DUTY. WHAT DO YOU SEEK? LOVE? FAME?  
Goose: Elimination of the ultra-wealthy, actually.  
(There’s a pause.)  
Monitor: PARDON?  
Goose: Yeah. Sam?  
Sam: We’re going to start with donating about three billion dollars each to some worldwide charities. Since this is all digital, it won’t take anything off our mass limit, correct?  
(The monitor typing line thing flashes a few times.)  
Monitor: I SUPPOSE THAT’S RIGHT.  
Sam: Right. Then, we’d like to organize a few trials for a few particularly awful billionaires.  
Monitor: TRIALS?  
Sam: Tests, basically. Gauge their morality, you know.  
Goose: Then we’re going to assassinate Jeff Bezos.  
Monitor: WHAT?  
Goose: Yeah. We probably can’t do any, like, corrupt military leaders because they’d blame it on their enemies and start a nuclear war, but I doubt anyone would mind if we struck that guy with lightning one or seven times.  
Monitor: I, UM, OKAY.  
Sam: Let’s get to work, then. (Sam sits down at the desk. Goose wipes off the whiteboard on the wall, and starts designing something on it.)

(Cut to black. We get the title card. It reads “ONE DAY YOU’LL CRASH AND BURN” in big, bold letters.)

(When we come back, we see Sam walking down the hallway of a very big and very fancy house, accompanied by a butler. They round the corner, and turn to the butler.)  
Sam: You’ve got a nice face. Would love to replicate it. What’s your name?  
Steve: Steve. Wait, what?  
(Sam opens the door and comes into a room with three people sitting in it: A large man with a terrible haircut, this is Richard Mortson; a thin man wearing a pair of glasses, this is Lucas May; and a blonde woman in a sundress, this is Dame Heloise Briar. All of them appear to be in their fifties, they’re laughing and very conversationally talking about a waitress at a fancy restaurant whom they publicly embarrassed. Sam clears their throat. All of them quiet down immediately and look at them.)  
Heloise: Who are you?  
Sam: Sam Nora. (They close the door behind them.)  
Lucas: What are you doing here?  
Sam: I’m coming to pick you three up, actually. Bit of a miracle you’re all here in one spot. I’ll be needing you for a social experiment.  
Richard: What kind of social experiment?  
Sam: An easy one. If you’ll just follow me… (They open the door a crack. The three people don’t move. Sam motions for them to follow, and then they do. When they open the door, instead of it being the same house they were in, it’s a vestibule with benches on either side and a frosted glass door in front of them. The modern architecture of the mansion before is completely opposite to the rustic wooden room. There are paintings on the walls done in classical style of some of this trio’s best moments, each titled on a little plaque under the piece. We see Heloise making a child who’s sitting on her lap cry, Lucas in an expensive suit saying something rude to someone in very shabby clothes, and Richard lying on national television. They all look around for a second and cringe.)  
Sam: Would you give me a second?  
(They all nod.)  
(Sam walks through the vestibule door, and we come into a square room with an impossibly high ceiling. The room is decorated in paintings, taxidermy, trinkets and sculptures. There’s a desk in the center with an armchair on one side and a stool on the other. There is one door in the center of each wall. On the wall opposite the entrance, the caboose sits like a box at the theatre. The large windows on the side makes it so that you can see into it. Goose is sitting up there. Sam waves. They climb up a ladder on the wall, and crawl into the alcove the caboose is sitting in. It appears to be on tracks, somehow. They go through the door on the end.)  
Goose: Howdy.  
Sam: We’ve got them. Are our parents accounted for?  
Goose: Yeah. (They hand them their phone.)  
Sam: (reading aloud) “Hi mom, I’m gonna spend the night with Sam in the caboose. We have some old granola bars in the desk and if I need a change of clothes I have my Hamilton costume from Halloween. All of Sam’s outfits look the same so I doubt anyone will notice if they don’t change. If we get attacked by bears or aliens I have that cricket bat with nails in it. Love you”. Nice.  
Goose: Some of my finest work. Hans, did you ever lie to your parents?  
Monitor: NO.  
Goose: Really?  
Monitor: YES. I HAVE MORALS, YOU KNOW.  
Goose: Rude. How’d you get in this cartridge, anyway?  
Monitor: TRICKED INTO IT BY A FRIEND.  
Goose: Sounds like a bad friend.  
Monitor: HE WAS.  
(There’s a thumping on the vestibule door. It’s Heloise. Sam and Goose look at each other, then Goose pats the monitor and both of them climb down the ladder to open the door for her.)  
Sam: We’re going to have to confirm some things with you before we start, alright?  
(They all nod. We cut to Sam sitting with Richard, looking very dignified. Goose will be sitting with Heloise, and then Sam will have Lucas again.)  
Sam: You are Richard Mortson, a politician who is, quote, “restoring America’s pride a building brick at a time”?  
Richard: (Visibly uncomfortable) Yes.  
Sam: And you’ve gone about “restoring America’s pride” by cutting funds from programs for the homeless, continuing to demonize immigrants, voting against women’s rights to their bodies, and publicly insulting minorities?  
Richard: Yes.  
(Cut to Goose and Heloise. Goose jumps into the armchair.)  
Goose: Good evening, coward!  
(And now we see Sam and Lucas.)  
Sam: Your company, MayBee, just announced you will be manufacturing cars.  
Lucas: Of course, the JuneBee.  
Sam: Your company’s original objective was to make watches; afterwards this turned into making electronics; then you started a streaming service which, for the record, ran six ads per every twenty minutes, even in the middle-priced subscription; why have you decided to make cars, of all things?  
(Lucas grins for a second at them, unblinking. Sam blinks at them a few times. Lucas scrambles for words.)  
Lucas: Uh, uh, technology is the future. Cars are the future. We make technology and cars are technology. (Satisfied with his answer, he nods.)  
(We cut back to Goose and Heloise.)  
Goose: Let’s recount your crimes against humanity and literature: first, let’s remember that you were knighted by the Queen of England for your contributions to children’s literature, an award which you returned when you realized that that included trans children and disabled children.  
Heloise: (smiling awkwardly) Well, they wouldn’t be disabled if their parents hadn’t exposed them to harmful ideologies!  
(Goose is rendered speechless by this absolute dumbassery.)  
(Sam and Richard...)  
Sam: in 2018 it was leaked that you donated significant funds to an organization which has been widely referred to as a “death cult”, before it was destroyed in 2019 and its leaders imprisoned. Tell me about that.  
(Richard’s face hangs off his bones. He looks dead.)  
Sam: Mortson?  
(Richard is hit with a sudden thought of some sort, and he begins fake-coughing in a very unconvincing way.)  
Sam: Do you need some water, Mortson?  
Richard: (through coughs) Yes.  
Sam: Well, that’s a shame.  
(Goose and Heloise...)  
Goose: You posthumously claimed that a character in one of your books was Native American, despite her being from Britain, and both her parents being explicitly described as white. When asked for in-text evidence, you cited the scene where she... puts paint on her face.  
(Heloise nods.)  
Goose: I’m wondering what you think the connection here is.  
(Heloise clears her throat.)  
Goose: You know what, I don’t want to hear it, actually.  
(Sam and Lucas...)  
Sam: Back in February, you dedicated a campaign to Black History Month.  
Lucas: Yes! We value diversity at MayBee.  
Sam: While this was a very nice gesture, it’s somewhat overshadowed by the fact that you continue to exploit slave labor in several third world countries in Africa.  
Lucas: We value diversity in our workforce, too.  
(Cut to Sam’s face.)  
(Sam and Richard...)  
Sam: Right, but you must at least acknowledge that the climate’s been abnormal as of late. Europe had one of its hottest summers in memory, and in the Midwest there’s been fear of people dying of hypothermia just by stepping out of their houses.  
Richard: No.  
Sam: “No”?  
Richard: No.  
(Goose and Heloise...)  
Heloise: No!  
Goose: You better believe it.  
Heloise: That’s terrible! Those children’s parents should be turned into the authorities!  
Goose: Ma’am, all I did was tell you that parent’s have been raising children with they/them pronouns.  
Heloise: Children need to raised with proper genderly boundaries, or else they’ll end up like... (Heloise motions vaguely at Goose.) What are you, anyway?  
Goose: (pulling out a whiteboard) Well, I’m glad you asked!  
(Sam and Lucas...)  
Sam: But, making advertisements out of your three nonbinary employees doesn’t change the fact that one of your executives is currently on trial for gender discrimination and sexual harassment.  
Lucas: MayBee is a very progressive company.  
Sam: I do find that an odd claim, because a high-level software engineer of yours was fired soon after it was discovered she was trans. There was a big scandal about it. Do you not remember that?  
Lucas: Uh... No.  
Sam: Really?  
Lucas: What are your pronouns?  
Sam: They and them, but that’s besides my point-  
Lucas: Mine are guy and man.  
Sam: Those are nouns.  
Lucas: Well, I’m an adult male, so those are my pronouns.  
Sam: May, did grammar ever... trouble you, in fourth grade?  
(Goose and Heloise. Goose has drawn a whole batch of flags, gender symbols, and diagrams on the whiteboard.)  
Goose: So... there’s one stagnant gender, maverique, but then the secondary gender could be anything at any given moment, like right now... You know the guitar solo in Hotel California?  
Heloise: (looking distraught) Yes.  
Goose: Exactly.

(Cut to Goose and Sam meeting in the caboose.)  
Goose: Mine went well. I think I actually gave her an aneurysm. How was yours?  
Sam: (after a pause) You know how you like hitting people?  
(Hans prints a baseball bat. Sam picks it up. Goose looks very excited. As Sam starts whacking it against their palm, it melts slightly, and becomes gooey and sticky.)  
Goose: Uh! (They run to the monitor and backspace it.)  
Sam: What happened there?  
(They both look at Hans.)  
Monitor: THAT’S ODD.  
Goose: Is that really all you got for us?  
Monitor: SORRY.  
Sam: It’s alright. Kind of worrying that a baseball bat just starting melting in my hands, though. I wonder why?  
Monitor: I DON’T KNOW.  
Sam: You don’t have to.  
Monitor: THAT’S A RELIEF.  
Sam: Sure is. Goose, would you like to do the honors of explaining to our guests the trials they’ll be put through?  
Goose: Gladly.  
(Hans prints a microphone for them.)  
Goose: So, Richard, Lucas, Heloise. Had a good day so far? No? Good, you shouldn’t have. Anyway, we’ll be splitting you three up again. I know, I know, just as you were getting comfortable. Heloise, you’re first. (Goose climbs down the ladder.) Follow me.  
(The two of them walk to the door on the left side of the building. Goose closes the door behind them. Lucas and Richard are standing uncomfortably in the room. Lucas eyes a huge stuffed bear nervously.)  
Sam: It’s nice, right? Goose designed it. Quite the uh, (Sam looks at a Boomer meme Goose framed.) interior decorator, them.

(Goose and Heloise are walking down a dark hallway. As they reach the end, lights shine on Heloise’s face. They’re on stage. Someone waves from the light booth. An adult director and a bunch of child actors stand up from the front row, and walk on stage.)  
Goose: These are your fans. They adapted your book, “Alchemy, Crowns, and the Fate of the World” into a play recently, and are putting it on today. It’s very important you give it a good review.  
Heloise: Why?  
Goose: Well, on top of it being important for these kids’ self esteems, there’s also a bit of a penalty for you not doing so.  
Heloise: (Snorts) If I didn’t like it, they deserve any penalty they get.  
Goose: (Raising an eyebrow) You sure?  
Heloise: Yes! I wrote a good book, they should be able to write a good play.  
Goose: What if I told you, the penalty in question was, (looking for the word) death?  
Heloise: Pardon?  
Goose: These kids are performing for a race of man-eating aliens, who feel your books represent a very good model of ethics. They’re die-hard fans, you see, so if you don’t approve, they’re completely ready to tear apart these cute kids to validate your opinion.  
(Heloise makes a small noise.)  
Goose: But you should know, dear Ex-Dame, that they have made a few... large departures from your original story.  
Heloise: As in changing the order of the scenes around?  
Goose: Nah, more like, you know Duke Borole in your books?  
Heloise: Yes, I wrote them.  
Goose: Well, instead of forgiving him for all the trauma he inflicted on his students, this cast thought it’d be a better idea to, uh, kill him.  
Heloise: He dies in my books too. He sacrifices himself to save John-John.  
Goose: A very polite gesture. But in the adaptation, John-John kills him. Directly. Without remorse. Also, they changed up the genders of all the characters and now Larry is a lesbian.  
(Heloise is speechless.)  
Goose: Got all that?  
(Heloise doesn’t speak.)  
Goose: Good. You’ll get a chance to give feedback after the performance. Have fun!  
(Goose jumps off the stage and leaves Heloise with the kids. The kids wave at her excitedly. She collapses.)

(Wide shot. Goose walks back into the room, grabs Lucas by the arm, and drags him into the room opposite the last.)  
(They come into a forest. Lucas and Goose look around. Goose hands him a piece of paper.)  
Lucas: What’s this?  
Goose: A new iPhone. Open it up.  
(Lucas does. It’s blueprints for what looks like a throne.)  
Lucas: This is incredible!  
Goose: Mhm.  
Lucas: When do these start getting produced?  
Goose: As soon as we get the materials, my friend.  
Lucas: Well, we should have those gathered!  
Goose: Actually, you’ll be gathering them yourself.  
(Lucas winces, just slightly.)  
(Goose and Lucas descend deeper into the forest. Lucas keeps tripping on bramble. Goose knows their way around the place. The two of them arrive at a whimsical little cottage, which about comes up to Lucas’s hips.)  
Lucas: What is this?  
Goose: Your building materials.  
(Lucas looks confused. Goose knocks on the top of the roof. A little rabbit woman opens the door and looks happy to see Goose.)  
Rabbit: Goose! Hello! How’s your day been?  
Goose: I’ve been fine, Ms. Rabbit. Are the kids alright?  
(A whole bunch of rabbit kits emerge from within the house. They all wave at Goose and Lucas excitedly.)  
Rabbit: Oh, of course! We’re always well! Things have been a bit hard with the drought and all, but you know how it is. Who’s this?  
Goose: That’s Lucas May. He owns a big tech company.  
Rabbit: Lovely.  
(Goose turns to Lucas.)  
Goose: Ms. Rabbit’s house is insulated with a special type of metal wool found nowhere else in the world.  
Rabbit: Yes. It keeps us warm when the cold winter comes!  
Goose: And, Lucas, that metal wool is a core part of your throne.  
(Lucas looks at Goose, then looks down at the cottage, then at Goose again. Goose gives him a look. Lucas inhales deeply.)  
Goose: Apologies, Ms. Rabbit.  
(Goose leaves.)

(We see Sam up in the caboose with Richard Mortson underneath them. Sam is looking at the monitor. Richard coughs. Sam doesn’t look away. Richard coughs again, louder.)  
Sam: What is it?  
Richard: Don’t I get a test?  
(Sam gets up from their desk in the caboose, climbs down the ladder, and starts speaking to Richard.)  
Sam: Yes, actually, you do. And I thought I’d explain it to you myself. I designed all the tests, but Goose is more of a people-person so I let them take our dear Ex-Dame and Lucas Bae.  
(Richard makes a little face.)  
Sam: Follow me.  
(The two of them walk down the door directly under the caboose. The hallway is dark, and Richard strikes up conversation.)  
Richard: I mean, what kind of name even is Goose? Right? Why would her parents name her that?  
Sam: Well, their full name is actually Goose Asmodeus Paint Bucket Todd Howard Alexis Didgeridoo Salamander Paperclip Laurie Liza Minelli Tyler, but I doubt you care about that.  
(Richard shuts his mouth. They walk a little more.)  
Richard: I never thought someone of your... type would be able to-  
Sam: Shut up.  
(The hallway ends. They come into a nice room with a dining table and a fireplace on one end. A man is sitting at the table. He looks like the butler at the mansion, Steve. There’s a plate of food in front of him, and another in front of an empty seat.)  
Sam: Take a seat, Mortson.  
(He sits down.)  
Sam: This is Steve. He’s employed at the mansion you were recently residing at. After our dear Ex-Dame and Mucus Lay are done with their tests, they’ll come into this room and eat their plates. (Camera cuts to two empty chairs behind plates of food.) Now, you have one plate here, so you could eat that and have one serving. Or, (Sam walks over to Steve and puts a hand on his shoulder.) You could eat that and Steve, and get two servings.  
Steve: Haha, what?  
Sam: So, have a nice dinner, Mortson.  
(Sam leaves the room.)  
(They climb back up the ladder. Goose is sitting in the booth.)  
Goose: How’s he doing? Slimy as usual?  
Sam: Perfectly in character. Surprised he didn’t scream any slurs at me.  
Goose: I think I saw Ex-Dame Heloise mouth a few.  
Sam: Woah, the TERF? Thought she’d know better. What’s Heloise up to, anyway?  
(Cut to the monitor, which is spying on the three of them. They maximize the window, and we get the actual shot of her. She’s sitting in the middle of the audience. The kids are pretending to go to wizard school on stage. She looks very uncomfortable.)  
Kid 1: Oh, Henrietta, what are you reading?  
(The second kid, who’s playing Henrietta, tucks a hair behind their ear.)  
Kid 2: The Communist Manifesto.  
(Heloise cringes visibly. She tries to get up from her seat, but then the person next to her looks her in the eye. Well, not “person”. It’s a seven-foot-tall slimy green alien with scales and horns. It growls at her. She sits back down. We cut back to Sam’s face.)  
Sam: Fantastic.  
(On stage, the kids burst into song. They are not good singers. Nor are they good dancers. Their song is something about the power of friendship. Also about dismantling oppressive bureaucracies. We get a break in the music, and the characters start talking. A third kid walks up to the other two.)  
Kid 2: Oh, hello, John-John!  
Kid 3: Hi, Henrietta. I just got down murdering Duke Borole before he could inflict any harm on me and my classmates.  
Kid 1: That’s great, John-John!  
(They continue singing. When they finish, the lights go down, the whole audience claps, except for Heloise.)  
Goose: Come on, Ex-Dame. These kids are counting on you.  
Sam: It’s not looking good for these kids now, Goose.  
Goose: What happens if they fail, anyway? Are we gonna watch the aliens tear some nine-year-olds to shreds?  
(Sam grimaces.)  
Sam: I mean, they’re not real kids, at least.  
Goose: (horrified) I gave Marguerite a love for vintage fashion...

(Cut back to Lucas and Ms. Rabbit. Lucas is squatting next to her cottage.)  
Lucas: So, uh. Ms. Rabbit.  
Rabbit: Yes?  
Lucas: So... (Lucas breaks a chunk off of Ms. Rabbit’s roof.)  
Rabbit: Oh, what are you doing now?  
Lucas: I’m just, uh... (Lucas sticks his hand through the roof. He rummages through the cottage, disturbing the rest of Ms. Rabbit’s children. He pulls a chair out of the house, with a kit still sitting in it. Lucas looks at it. He shakes the kit off of the chair.)  
Rabbit: Mr. May? Is everything okay?  
Lucas: I just gotta... (he rips a wall out. The roof caves in. A bunch of kits flee the house. Lucas cringes a little.)  
Lucas: Uhhhhh. (He looks at Ms. Rabbit. She has very big eyes.) Uh, so I have this- this thing, and I need you to help me build it.  
Rabbit: Oh, I’ll do anything you like!  
Lucas: No, it’s- I need (whispers) your house.  
Rabbit: Oh, that’s alright.  
(Lucas tears more chunks of house apart.)  
Rabbit: It’s just that this is my only dwelling place, you know, after all my brothers and sisters were eaten by hawks.  
(Lucas continues to destroy the house. As Ms. Rabbit continues listing more and more awful things her family as had to deal with, Lucas sticks his head further into the desecrated cottage.)  
Rabbit: It’s fine, though! It’s important you have what you need for your-?  
Lucas: (muffled) e-Throne.  
Rabbit: Right! It’s more important that you have your e-Throne than that me and my kits have a place to stay this winter.  
Kit: Mommy, are we going to have anything to eat this winter?  
Rabbit: I hope so, Billie. I hope so.  
(Lucas looks up at the sky from within the cottage.)  
Lucas: Why are you making me do this?  
(Cut to Sam and Goose.)  
Sam: You don’t have to. You literally do not have to. Goose, did he ask if he could just not do it?  
Goose: He did not.  
(Sam exhales.)  
Sam: This is not going to end well.

(Cut to Richard and Steve. Steve cuts a piece of steak. Richard is just staring at him. The atmosphere is very intense. Steve decides to break the tension.)  
Steve: So, uh, how’s the wife?  
Richard: Who?  
Steve: Your wife, Samantha Mortson? How’s she, uh, doing?  
(Richard stares blankly into the distance for a second.)  
Steve: Mortson?  
Richard: Oh, she’s fine, been working on her, uh, loom.  
Steve: The president of Caspian Corp has a loom?  
(Richard freezes. Then he starts cutting his meat again.)  
Richard: Uh, yes, she’s very multi-faceted, for a woman.  
(Steve grimaces a little.)  
Steve: (quietly) Sure, um, okay.  
(Richard shovels a whole steak into his mouth, and then the green beans. He wipes his mouth with a napkin. He then stands up and walks over to Steve.)  
Richard: Steve, I, uhh, need you to do something for me.  
Steve: What- what is it?  
Richard: Just, crane your neck to the left a little.  
(Steve does. Richard bites into his shoulder. Steve’s scream is cut off when we cut back to Sam and Goose, who look mortified.)  
Goose: He wasn’t supposed to do that! Why is he doing that!  
(Sam just sits there. They have a hand over their mouth.)  
Sam: Goose?  
(Goose is ranting in the background. They don’t hear them.)  
Sam: Goose?  
Goose: What?  
Sam: I think they’re worse than we thought.  
Goose: Way worse- God, so much worse!  
Sam: How are we going to fix this?  
Goose: (mournfully) I don’t know.  
(They both turn back to the screen.)

(Cut to Heloise during intermission. She’s awkwardly holding a cup of something while she’s surrounded by scaled aliens. One bumps into her.)  
Heloise: (indignantly) Hey!  
(The second she says it, she regrets it. The alien turns around, growls at her, and then recognizes her.)  
Alien: Oh, Dame Heloise Briar!  
(It sounds like a middle-aged mom with three kids who drives a Honda. Heloise gulps.)  
Heloise: Hello there!  
Alien: Hi! I’m a huge fan, me and my kids love listening to your books while we’re in our space ship, going from planet to planet destroying everything in our path. Have you been working on anything new?  
Heloise: Aughh, hnrgf. Hhhhh?  
Alien: Right, right. I bet it’s been hard to get published now that you got cancelled by those SJWs on Twitter. (It rolls its eyes.) I think they’re just being snowflakes, honestly. Us genderless, bloodthirsty aliens love the Magic and Runes series. I’m liking this adaptation so far, honestly. What do you think of it?  
Heloise: It’s, uh, (she shrugs) fine.  
Alien: Woah, that looks like a bad-fine. Do you not like it?  
Heloise: It could be more faithful to the books.  
(The alien nods gravely.)  
Alien: Wait till the end of Act 2. We’ll see what you think of it by then. Alright? (It pats her on the shoulder.)  
(Heloise nods vaguely.)

(Cut to Lucas. He’s completely disassembled the cottage. Snow is starting to fall. He picks up the bits.)  
Rabbit: Oh, you’re leaving now?  
Lucas: Uh, mhm. Yeah. Basically.  
Rabbit: Okay! Have a nice evening, Mr. May! (She holds her kits in tighter.)  
(Lucas doesn’t say goodbye. He just turns and walks away. He trips on the snow, a lot.)  
(When he finally reaches the door, Goose is there wearing a big coat. Lucas is shivering.)  
Lucas: Where do I put this stuff?  
(Goose motions to a bin labelled “Picturesque Cottage for Rabbits Disposal Box”.)  
Lucas: Could I have gotten a coat back there?  
Goose: No.  
(Goose opens the door. They and Lucas walk inside.)

(Back to Heloise. They kids sing their final note, and then lights go down and the crowd cheers. A voice booms from the light booth.)  
Announcer: And now, an exclusive review from a special guest, Dame Heloise Briar!  
(Everyone claps and looks at her. Heloise stands there awkwardly. She clears her throat.)  
Heloise: Well, I will say, it was a very, uhh, commendable effort.  
(The crowd makes a lot of skeptical noises in agreement.)  
Heloise: But, I will say, it was a little ideology heavy, and, do your actors even know what they’re talking about?  
Kid 3: Yeah, I read theory.  
Heloise: Wow, that’s just fantastic. Yeah, when I was watching it was like, “did they need to make Old Man Lorringbelle deaf?”  
Kid 1: You said he was after you wrote the books.  
Heloise: I did?  
Kid 1: Yeah. Even though there were a bunch of scenes of him like, hearing stuff. But we wanted to make it official in the play.  
(Heloise blinks a few times.)  
Heloise: Well, I didn’t like it. It was a bad play, okay? None of you are good singers or actors. The plot wasn’t even recognizable and, Larry? A lesbian?  
Kid 1: I’m nonbinary too, so yeah, nonbinary lesbian.  
Heloise: Why?  
Kid 1: For... fun.  
(The actors faces are falling. They look to each other in disappointment. The crowd turns to Heloise. The alien from before pipes up.)  
Alien: Briar, are you saying you didn’t like it?  
Heloise: Yes! I hated it!  
Alien: And you’re saying it was a bad play?  
Heloise: Oh, it was terrible!  
Alien: And you’re saying you want us to rip these children to shreds?  
Heloise: Go right ahea- Wait, n-  
(It’s too late, all the aliens have already jumped out of their seats and started tearing apart the kids. A trail of blood splatters across Heloise’s face.)

(Cut to Richard wiping his mouth off with a napkin. Heloise and Lucas walk through the door, followed by Sam and Goose. The two sit down at their plates. Lucas is shivering, and Heloise is trying to wipe the blood off her clothes.)  
Goose: So, kids, what did we all learn today?  
Heloise: That you gays are monsters?  
Goose: I’m aroace, actually. And, no.  
Lucas: Did we win?  
Sam and Goose: No! God, no.  
Heloise: Why did you make me watch that?  
Sam: Dame, that could’ve been easily avoided if you had just left a good review. You don’t have to support every decision those kids make, but you could at least be a decent human being once in a while.  
Heloise: Oh, no, I meant the play. It was cringe-inducing to watch. They can’t even sing! And now they’ve stained my clothes...  
(Goose is gaping.)  
Goose: My dear Ex-Dame, those kids are dead!  
(Sam makes a motion at Goose. They stop talking.)  
Lucas: When am I getting my e-Throne?  
Sam: You’re not.  
Lucas: But I have splinters in my fingers!  
Sam: Yes, and Ms. Rabbit has seventeen children and no place to stay this winter.  
Lucas: Goose forced me to!  
Sam: They didn’t. You could’ve just asked not to make the throne.  
Lucas: But then I wouldn’t have a throne.  
Sam: Correct.  
(Lucas looks thoroughly confused.)  
Lucas: Listen, kid, there seems to be a misunderstanding-  
Richard: Where’s my second course?  
Goose: You already ate it.  
Richard: No, I ate my dinner, then I ate Steve, and now I get a second course.  
Heloise: You ate someone?  
Richard: Yes.  
Lucas: You ate a guy? That’s kinda gay.  
(Richard makes a little “yuck” face.)  
Sam: Mortson, Steve was your second course. You don’t get any reward for eating him, besides having ate him.  
Richard: Why not?  
Sam: Because... (They trail off. They have no idea how to explain to Mortson why cannibalism is wrong.)

(Cut to Sam and Goose in the caboose.)  
Goose: (in Valley girl voice) So, this is really annoying.  
Sam: I tried to lay it out in front of them so clearly, and they just... (They make some hand motions which convey “not getting it” pretty clearly.)  
Goose: I think watching Richard Mortson chew on some guy’s entrails traumatized me for life.  
Sam: We need to try something else.  
Goose: But how? This was literally our only plan!  
Monitor: YOU COULD GO TO THE GUILD. THEY MIGHT BE ABLE TO HELP.  
Goose: Oh, right, they have that party!  
Sam: We go to the party, get their advice, and try again. Someone must’ve tried something like this before, right?  
Goose: Right!  
Sam: Oh, we need to get rid of this building.  
Goose: Also right!  
Sam: That means we have to get Heloise, Lucas, and Richard into the caboose.  
Goose: (considerably less enthusiastic) Right.  
(Cut to Heloise, Lucas, and Richard trying to climb the ladder. Poorly. They all awkwardly worm their way up and into the door of the caboose. Richard sits on a stool and starts wheezing. Lucas just collapses. Heloise rips a playbill off the wall and starts looking through it. Goose yanks it out of her hands.)

(Sam looks at them all. Then they highlight a huge wall of text on the monitor, and backspace it.)  
(The whole building deletes itself, one chunk at a time. The ceiling starts disintegrating from the indeterminably high roof, coming down in squares. The decorations melt and evaporate, and the last thing to blink out of existence is the armchair in the center of the room. The caboose falls straight down from its spot on the wall. Sam and Goose sit comfortably in their chairs when they reach the ground, while Richard, Lucas, and Heloise bounce on impact. When all of this is done, the caboose sits serenely in the pasture as if nothing happened.)  
(Goose picks up the invitation. Heloise, Richard, and Lucas are arguing and yelling and complaining in the background while Sam and Goose talk calmly.)  
Goose: So, we just like, burn this?  
Sam: Yeah, I think so. Then a train will come pick us up.  
Goose: How does that work?  
Sam: It’s magic, so, (they shrug).  
Goose: Here, you take the lighter, I don’t trust myself with fire.  
Sam: Oh, yeah, that’s reasonable. (They set the invitation ablaze.) Remember when you got arrested for arson, like, a year ago?  
Goose: In my defense, I was sleepwalking.  
(The two of them sit there for a second. There’s still a lot of bickering in the background.)  
Goose: So-  
(There’s a loud clunking sound, and a bump. Sam and Goose peer out the window. Train tracks have magically formed underneath the caboose, and are carrying it along. They’re disappearing behind when they’re unneeded, and appearing in front when they are.)  
Sam: Hm.  
Goose: Hm.

ACT 2

(We hear an orchestral version of “Kiss Me, Son of God” by They Might Be Giants as we open. All we see are Sam and Goose’s shoes. Goose is wearing pink vinyl dress shoes with magenta socks, and Sam is wearing respectable grey heels with patterned grey stockings. As the camera rises up, we get more of their outfits. Goose is in a rainbow jumpsuit with an unbuttoned, pinstriped pink dress shirt thrown over it. Sam is wearing a loose pencil skirt, on top of which is a men’s three-piece suit. When we see Goose’s face, they’re wearing garish turquoise eyeshadow and bright pink lipstick. They have an assortment of stickers stuck on their nose and cheeks, with glitter haphazardly sprinkled over that. Sam’s face is completely makeup-less. The patterns on their jacket, vest, tie and stockings match that of Goose’s stickers.)  
(They’re both looking around the room in awe. It’s a marble mansion with tables set up around various places, and people in fancy clothes talking at them. There are strange dioramas in the corners behind ropes. We hear a noise, and the music cuts out. Richard, Heloise, and Lucas are by the entrance, and Richard has gotten into an argument with one of the greeters.)  
(Sam gives Goose a look, like, “We should deal with that.”)  
Goose: Hey, sorry. They’re with us.  
Greeter: Oh, they’re yours? We can give you a plot if you want to showcase them. Or we could put them in the garage.  
Goose: Uh...  
(Goose looks at Sam for help.)  
Sam: The garage will be fine.  
(The greeter takes Heloise with one of his hands and Richard and Lucas with the other. They try to struggle, but the greeter has impeccable grip. He drags them through a door, and closes it behind him. Sam and Goose turn to each other.)  
Goose: What was that?  
Sam: Maybe people make replicas of other people so much it’s been normalized in the Guild?  
Goose: I hope so. I wonder what the garage is like?  
Sam: I was thinking cold and damp, but if there’s people there, it might be a lounge.  
Goose: I hope it’s cold and damp. Don’t like those three.  
Sam: Really? I was under the impression you were a big fan.  
(While they’re having this conversation, they’re walking. They walk past all sorts of bonkers inventions seemingly without noticing them, but when Sam says the above line, an enormous animatronic turns to look at them, and then both of them freeze. They turn around slowly.)

Goose: Pardon me, what the hell is that?  
(They walk up to the attraction. It’s a horrific, inhuman mass of wires. Next to it is a plaque labelled “FRIEND-BOT”. A woman proudly looks up at it.)  
Manic Woman: That’s a Friend-Bot! I made it for the parents of children who have trouble sleeping.  
(The animatronic is doing a repetitive task, which is tucking a model of a child into bed.)  
Goose: So, what, now they can’t sleep at all?  
(Sam elbows Goose.)  
Sam: What my friend here means to say is, couldn’t you have made the Friend-Bot’s design a little more, I don’t know, accessible? Like, turn it into a giant teddy-bear?  
Goose: Or Jack Black?  
Sam: Yeah, or Jack Black?  
(The woman twitches.)  
Manic Woman: You know, I’m sensing a lot of negativity coming off of you right now. I’m trying to do a good thing here, and you’re just criticizing me for it, and I really don’t like that, you know?  
Goose: We, uh, do know.  
Sam: Yeah, we know.  
(They both walk away from the animatronic. Goose won’t take their eyes off it, though.)  
Sam: Goose, stop staring.  
Goose: I would, but I’m worried if I take my eyes off of it, Ennard from FNaF will kill me.  
Sam: If it does, I’ll forge your ashes into a sword and avenge your death. (They pat them on the back.) Okay?  
Goose: Thanks, I appreciate it.  
Sam: Anything for you.  
(They take a moment to collect themselves. They look around.)  
Sam: So, what have we learned so far? It’s an exhibition of weird stuff made by people who own ghosts trapped in gaming cartridges.  
Goose: Right. And walking around with well-known public figures as property is normal, apparently.  
Sam: I’m beginning to think we made a mistake by coming here.  
Goose: You think?  
(They look around again. All sorts of weird contraptions catch their eyes, like lemonade stands with flavors like “emotional fulfillment” and “remembering the name of that actor”, or a massage chair which morphs to match the exact shape of your back.)  
Goose: Do you want to split up?  
Sam: Absolutely.  
(They disperse. Goose turns around to yell at Sam.)  
Goose: Hey, if you get murdered, I get your second-hand DVDs!  
Sam: And if you get murdered, I’ll have your obnoxious hat collection!  
Goose: What happens if we both get murdered?  
Sam: Then it’s a lose-lose!  
Goose: Okay! So don’t get murdered!  
Sam: I won’t if you don’t!  
Goose: Can’t promise I won’t!  
Sam: That’s worrying!  
(Eventually, they get too far away from each other to conceivably yell at one another.)

(Sam walks up to a chair which resembles an electric chair, only on the headband is a screen which apparently gives a face somewhere between smiley and angry depending on how “good” the person is. There’s a man standing next to it, looking at someone trying it out.)  
Sam: Hello.  
Chair Man: Oh, good evening.  
Sam: I couldn’t help but notice the goal of your contraption over here is to gauge someone’s morality. You see, me and a friend of mine tried to run a few trials on a group of people to sort of... make them realize the errors of their ways and turn them into moderately better people. It failed, so I was wondering if you’d know anyone who’s tried something similar in the past that I could talk to about it.  
Chair Man: Oh, of course! A good friend of mine did something just like that about sixteen years ago. (He points towards a table where his friend is sitting. His friend is apparently absolutely Saw. Sam grimaces.)  
Sam: Thank you.

(Goose is walking among the crowd. They weave a path through a group of people with cameras photographing a dress which is more or less a mood ring. Someone stops them.)  
Annoying Guy: Hey, what are you doing out?  
Goose: Mom said curfew wasn’t until 10:00, buddy.  
Annoying Guy: Creations aren’t allowed to leave their plots until at least 11:00.  
(Something dawns on Goose.)  
Goose: Oh! You think I’m- how come?  
Annoying Guy: You’re Stewart’s kid’s thing, right? The little boy made you, the one who doesn’t know what girls look like?  
Goose: I know what girls look like. I could be a girl if I wanted to.  
Annoying Guy: Right, sure. Back in your plot.  
Goose: No, dude, I’m real. And I have a friend to meet up with in a bit, so, I’ll just be on my way...  
(Goose leaves. The Annoying Guy yells after them.)

(Sam is sitting at a table, drinking a family friendly non-alcoholic beverage out of a wineglass, with Saw on the other side.)  
Saw: So, I’m just saying, they deserved it, you know? Those sickos deserved it. You understand. You get it.  
Sam: I can assure you I do not think “those sickos” deserved it.  
Saw: But you did the same thing. Our designs, they’re exactly the same.  
Sam: I, uh, don’t think they are. I never saw the movie, but-  
Saw: What movie?

(Goose is walking around again, eyeing the other guests like a visitor to an aviary. Suddenly, a huge, obnoxious hat catches their eye and they run towards the wearer.)  
Goose: Where did you find that? Did you make it?  
(It’s a simple dress colored a shade of neon orange which should come with an epilepsy warning. The woman wearing it is grinning soullessly, like a stock photo.)  
Husband: Why, that would be my wife. All of her clothes are from Deliaana’s.  
Goose: The one where everything costs six-thousand dollars?  
Husband: Yes, that is the one.  
Goose: Is she alright? She’s looking kind of, I don’t know, dead. (Goose waves a hand in front of her face.)  
Husband: Don’t be rude. She’s perfectly alive and well. (She is not.) Right, Abigail?  
(He pats her on the back. His hand goes right through her, and he pulls it out, his hand covered in gooey internals which appear to have melted together. She collapses into a meat puddle. Goose and the rest of the people talking to the two look at her in horror.)  
Husband: Huh.

(Saw and Sam.)  
Saw: If you’d been there, and you’d seen the stupid way he slurps his coffee, you’d have imprisoned him in a series of sadistic puzzles too. It’s just like why you did your “trials”, or whatever.  
(Sam isn’t really listening, they’re staring at something out of shot.)  
Sam: Sorry, my friend, very interesting conversation we’ve been having, but I need to leave.  
(Sam runs over to Goose, who is watching a servant clean up the wife-sludge.)  
Sam: Goose, my darling aroace best friend, will you do something for me?  
Goose: What is it?  
Sam: There’s a guy over there who looks like he might have some information about this place, but the problem is I can’t seem to even look at him without passing out.  
Goose: Ha, gay. Which one is he?  
(Sam points over their shoulder with a thumb. We see the guy. He’s objectively attractive.)  
Goose: He certainly is... (They tilt their head) attractive. Is he okay? He looks like he has scurvy.  
Sam: He might. Pretty sure the fainting thing is just a spell.  
Goose: I’ll go check it out.  
(Goose walks up the guy and taps him on the shoulder. He turns around, and his face is frozen in a grin, not dissimilar from the wife’s from before.)  
Guy: Hi.  
Goose: Hello. What’d you make to get in here?  
Guy: (laughing) Oh, thank you!  
Goose: What?  
Guy: What?  
Goose: No, I didn’t compliment you.  
Guy: Well, you should’ve.  
Goose: Okay, but I asked you a question. How’d you get in here? We’re you just, like, invited...?  
Guy: I came early.  
Goose: That still doesn’t answer my question.  
Guy: Ah, one second.  
(We cut to Sam. They look down at the sludge.)  
Sam: And that is...?  
Husband: That’s my wife.  
Sam: Oh. (A pause.) She’s quite a picture.  
(Back to the guy and Goose. The guy is turned around and whispering into his watch.)  
Guy: Meredith, this one isn’t affected by my natural good looks!  
(Meredith apparently is a spirit encased in his watch. She has a text-to-speech voice, like Hans.)  
Meredith: THEY’RE NOT NATURAL. I LITERALLY MADE THEM FOR YOU, NUMBSKULL.  
Guy: Well whatever they are, that kid isn’t swayed!  
Meredith: THAT’S PROBABLY GOOD FOR YOUR EGO, GUY.  
(Meredith’s voice glitches a little on this line.)  
Guy: Meredith? Meredith! (Guy whacks his watch. She doesn’t respond.)  
Goose: Is she alright?  
Guy: Yes she’s fi- (he realizes something.) Could you hear all that?  
Goose: Yeah, bud. Are you paying her?  
Guy: She doesn’t deserve to be paid.  
Goose: (Exasperated) Okay! I’ll just be, uh, leaving now. Goodbye forever! Hope I never see you again!

(Goose walks back to Sam. The wife-goop is being dumped into a can and rolled away.)  
Goose: He’s lame.  
Sam: A shame.  
Goose: Yeah, the world could use less lame people. Used the cartridge to make himself pretty. Like, dude, just use makeup like the rest of us. Also, speaking of cartridges, he appears to have trapped his in a watch? He’s very rude to her, too. Should we be paying Hans?  
Sam: Oh. Yeah, I guess we should be.  
Goose: What would he buy with it, anyway?  
Sam: A body, for starters.  
(They both laugh. Then they stop.)  
Sam: He’s been in there a long time.  
Goose: Yeah.  
Sam: He’s probably had to do all sorts of terrible things.  
Goose: Yeah.  
Sam: We should let him out when we’re done.  
Goose: We should let him out right now.  
Sam: Is there anyway to let him out at all?  
(They look at each other uneasily.)

(that’s it for now! apologies!)


End file.
